Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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