The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
