Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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