Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
