Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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