I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
