im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
