I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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