I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
