Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
