Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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