On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
