I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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