It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
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