I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
