Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
