I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
