No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize