It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize