i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
