if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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