You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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