Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
