I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
