Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
