his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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