I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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