I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
