Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
