mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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