Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
