weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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