I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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