getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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