Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize