You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
