i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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