You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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