lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
