had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just found puke in my bra..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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