I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
