We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
