Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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