whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize