i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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