there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
