the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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