I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
