in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
