by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
