and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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