does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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