textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
