You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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