I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
