i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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