Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The Olympian is in my bed
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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