I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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