you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
