i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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