Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Do vagina's smell?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
