You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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