In the future we'll all be gay
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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