Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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