It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
